This is not a typical post but it still fits with the theme of parenthood and the challenges it brings. It is about balancing a friendship that started long before children were in the picture and how a difference in parenting style can change it.
To be clear -- I am anti-spanking. Corporal punishment of any kind is inexcusable and there is never an acceptable reason why an adult should hit a child. Honestly, there is no reason an anyone should hit another human being or animal for that matter. Unfortunately, this is not a universally held belief although most of my dearest friends feel the same way; except one. My one friend and I have had conversations about spanking in the past and we agreed to disagree and not discuss it. Until recently this has worked out -- for the most part.
Several years ago I was with my dear friend and we were meeting a new book club member. I am not sure how this topic arose by the new member made a very bold statement " I am not friends with anyone who spanks their child". My friend immediately responded, seemingly with pride, that they do spank in her family. I felt this was an odd choice, since this was the beginning of a new potential friendship that has now been stopped before it can start. I also resonated deeply with this mom's statement. The problem is that my dearest friend does spank and believes in whole heartedly. How do I reconcile my strongly held belief with our friendship.
Over the years I have had an internal conflict about my friend and her choice to hit (spanking is hitting no matter how you define it) her children and the fact I remained friends with her and her family. It makes me so incredibly sad to know a child is being hit, swatted or worse. There are so many studies and new ways to discipline I just know there can be another way that will ultimately be more effective and less damaging. I tended to compartmentalize my friendship and if I didn't think about it I could pretend it didn't really exist. Although then I would become aware of incidents - off-handed comments about a teenager needing to be slapped because she wasn't behaving the way she should, threats of using a belt because a child was upset at a change in plans (I felt totally guilty about this since I had forgotten to come over and sent my husband as I was ill) and didn't want to go to bed or the use of a shoe because a child isn't listening. Each time these events would occur I would be so angry and confused. I changed my habits to some extent in that I did not rely on her to help me with my own childcare issues; I didn't want my son around this behavior. This came from not only my own issues but my son't feedback about being there. Still we remained friends. I think I was hoping that my smart, intelligent, loving friend would change and realize that there was a better way. So many of her parenting choices don't jive with the choice to spank. However, I've come to realize that I can't change her mind. She essentially shuts down when anyone tells her how to do anything, unless she is specifically asking for help on a specific issue. If she is ever to change her mind, it will be on her own time and decision.
The last incident, while it was not something she did but she did condone it and blame the need on her son, sent me over the edge. I realized that by not standing up for what I believed I was essentially condoning this discipline tactic and I just could not longer do that. I have to stand up for what I believe in and the children it affects. It was also causing an underlying negativity in our friendship, at least for me. I was angry with her and her husband. I just cannot understand the choice to hit as a way to discipline. I don't see how hitting resolves a situation. I have done tons of research to see if I could understand but there seems to be very little scientific reasoning behind this. Most of what I could find was based in religious beliefs and this idea that "we grew up with it and survived" and there for it's OK.
Finally, the "I can't be friends with people who spank" sentiment and my friend who spanks came to a head. I am still very conflicted and wish there was someway to remain friends. I wish there was some other issue that we disagreed on that wasn't so core to my being. I admit that I avoid conflict and did this via email; perhaps if I had told her in person we would have more closure but I didn't. I sent an email to which she did not respond. I left the door open to discussion to see if there was a way to go forward. I guess I believe there is always a new path a friendship can go, even if it's not the current path. There is a way for friendship to change that can accommodate changes. Maybe I just hoped she would respond even in some manner, out of respect of our 10 years friendship, to tell me that I hurt her and that it's over. I don't know something. I wrote a follow-up email and again nothing. I think what hurts me the most (after the fact she refuses to consider a different solution) is that she did not have enough respect for me or our friendship to respond in some way. I am not sure why I hoped for something else. This her M.O. she just walks away and doesn't deal with it. Maybe eventually she will and I hope that she does but I am sad it ended.
I loved our friendship. I love her family and while I know she doesn't see it this way I wanted what I believe would be best for her family -- I do realize this isn't my call. It is what it is and I need to let it go but I have a hard time just walking away. It took me over 3 years to really take a stand for what I believe is right. I know I did what is right but it still hurts all the same.
